The Grave That I'm Digging Is For Me, Of Course..

Explaining how my friday/trade deadline day went would only serve to paint me in an over-dramatic light. (Most of the time if i'm acting over-dramatic it's for comedic value, but once in a while something gets me genuinely riled up.) I was exceedingly anxious, and that's where I'll leave it.

When you like pretty much everyone on your team, no trade is going to leave you feeling 100% without regret or emotion. Add to that an extreme awareness of and interest in the general scope of players in Lowell, Portland, and Pawtucket, and while everyone around Boston is feeling like we've gotten by unscathed with a trade, I've got definite pangs of sorrow. Victor Martinez is a great acquisition for the Red Sox, but Justin Masterson, well, you wont find a human being who has a better heart. All of my interactions with him have been on the superficial level because we're not pals. Still, he has a way of turning even the superficial into the personal- anyone can tell this just by watching his interviews and seeing how he interacts with the people questioning him. He and Meryl (his wife) are not only agreeable, cordial, joyful people, but great role models and great examples of Christianity in action. In an "exit interview" shortly after learning that he'd been traded, Justin was noticeably disappointed but in describing his outlook on the future he said that his ultimate goal is to impact people's lives positively, and that the move to Cleveland will present him with a new venue in which, a new crowd with which to do so. He's a cool cat.
Nick Hagadone... had heard great things, but it was too early to get overly attached. Thankfully, I can easily find solace there in the fact that so much happens developmentally between Single-A (where he had been) and the bigs that his projected greatness could still only be just that- a far off projection.
Bryan Price... same thing, but I hardly knew of him.
The fact is, we made out like bandits acquiring VMart for the guys we sent to Cleveland. Could have been so much worse. I'm really not complaining but giving due homage to Justin. He's blessed in the way that he'll be loved wherever he goes.

I got a small dose of Soul Fest this year... went up on Friday night and stayed through this morning. This year was the worst in every way, hands down. I wasnt there for the entire time (it started on Wednesday, ended Saturday night) but my experience (or sense, where i lacked actual first-hand experience), was that a lot of things had changed organizationally and musically for the worse. Oh well- ever since the demise of Five Iron Frenzy and the evacuation of Relient K, it has never been the same for me. Still, I attend so I can catch up with the singer/songwriters I only see once or twice annually. The Sanctus Real show was stellar, as were the few sets I caught that involved my friend Brant and my longtime (holy smokes, 8 or 9 years now!) acquaintance Justin. Beyond that, it was slim pickin's. Inside Out Soul Fest (before it was shortened to Soul Fest) was the single most influential, impactful, important event on my calendar year after year while I was in high school and college. I became who I am in large part thanks to IOSF, so I'm certainly not just trying to be critical. I've been going for 9 years and I've seen many versions of the event as things have changed a little bit, or in some cases a-lotta-bit. They're going to have to backtrack next year. Sometime when I'm in the writing mood and I've got time, I'll post about the IOSF of old. I wish I wasnt far from God right now. I think back to my "youth", and even just so far back as 6 months ago, and wonder why it is that we are so prone to walk away. How do we get far off the path we were on, and once we realize where we've strayed, how do we find it again? I dont converse with God regularly, but otherwise my behavior isnt/actions arent wild or dangerous or altered. I've never been interested in being wild. I dont find drinking/drugs/promiscuity freeing, and in fact it seems the opposite to me because, talk about chains, talk about being bound, those are all examples of easy ways to tie yourself up and into a serious mess. Jason Upton, a worship leader at the fest, said something to the effect of, Dont mistake man's approval for God's. It was very striking for me to hear that. I wear a ring on my left hand that used to remind me constantly that I am free from the expectations of those around me. It used to work very effectively as a symbol of the freedom that Jesus Christ has offered to me- the freedom to choose how I live my life (by the way, Christians are free to drink/swear/etc, it's just that a lot of us dont find excessive use of any of those things to be productive.. I enjoy me a good beer and I definitely let some of my strong thoughts fly when Michael Bowden is getting hit hard, for example :) ) with the condition that my choices lead me towards Him. (Hint- God is Love. if the main goal and commandment is to Love God with all your heart/soul/strength/mind, this to me means loving and pursuing what He's interested in, which is -in its most basic form- loving people. For God so loved the world... )
These days, I absolutely covet the approval, the alignment of my actions/plans with those of the people around me. That has led to so much confusion over what and who I should spend my time on, what I should become knowledgeable about, and let me tell you- I could have guessed it had I seen it coming, but the people around me (coworkers, friends outside the church) unspokenly agree that the things God cares about are not the things I need to be concerned with. I have not conformed entirely to life without God (what is life without God? what does that even mean? God is or He isnt, and He certainly is, of that I am sure forever, no matter what turns my life takes). Still, the things I was passionate about- involvement at the Vineyard, involvement with Not For Sale or Love146, a desire to see the end of homelessness in my city... eh. That's a memory. What I know for sure is that I need to get back to that place because THAT is who i am, and that is who i want to be. I know too many people who are content (and even more than that- who dont fathom any different life) to live solely for themselves. That idea has never once been an option in my mind, no matter how selfishly I have lived for the past 3 or so months- I cant imagine the world without compassion and unprecedented, undeserved love. At the crux of Christianity is the Truth that God has created and therefore knows the heart of each person (regardless of whether you know Him too), and that He passionately desires each heart to receive the uncalled-for, empowering, father-like, bold, unstoppable, and fearless Love that He's offering. A beautiful aspect of that Love is that it drives us to love others. What does all of that mean? you might wonder. God is offering us love? What about money, success, etc? ...those things might seem more useful when you lack them (or rather when you feel like you lack them- it's all relative, remember... any of us in the USA are wealthy beyond imagining by the standards of those in third-world countries). I would argue that those things dont make or break how fulfilled you are (happiness is usually the word to use here, but happiness is fleeting, volatile, and really irrelevant- if you have all of the nice clothes you desire but there are 10's or 100's of slaves who have manufactured/sewed/whatever'd your clothes, good job. you're happy. and you're also adding to the human bondage/trafficking market). I cant even say that I dont shop at certain places that are known to exploit workers... for all that I care about the issue, I am not close to being free from feeding the fire, so to speak. Dont let anyone tell you that churches are hypocrite-free. We're all hypocrites, and in particular, any Christian who thinks that going to church and even following as best they can the teachings of Jesus sets them above/apart from others has another thing coming. This kind of elitism is one of the stereotypical tendencies among pockets of Christianity that makes me smack my forehead. The Bible makes it painfully clear that we're not perfect no matter if we call ourselves Christians or not, so I'm not sure where the idea that church is for people who have it all together came from.

Human interaction, creating and nurturing relationships, now that's what's going to bring Heaven to Earth. At 1am, this all looks far too simplified. It's tough to write about faith because there are so many questions surrounding it and so many tangents to run off on. Also... I'm simply not the best "explainer" and I certainly dont profess to have all of the answers. I simply have my own experience, along with the experiences of those with whom I'm close and the need I see in the world for the gifts of fantastic Love and Mercy that we've been offered, to work off of.

Hmm. I feel like so many people out there are ready to verbally pound anyone who simply talks about this stuff and I'm a little weary of feeling uncomfortable/even on eggshells talking about this major part of who I am. I'm not good at talking about it, that's the thing- so I'd welcome open dialogue with anyone who wants to talk about faith, religion (something i often find myself steering clear of- but has it been meaningful to you?), spirituality... the only rule is that there's no maliciousness involved in the conversation. Honesty/personal good or bad experiences, on the other hand, will not only be accepted but encouraged, and will be handled without any offense taken.

Well, what can I say? I officially turn 24 at 1:07am or thereabouts, i believe. August 3rd. It's a great day for a birthday :) PawSox tonight (it's officially the 3rd even though it's not yet day) with some good friends... no work for me on Wednesday as I hike up I-95 for Bowden Bobblehead night at the SeaDogs... Futures at Fenway on Saturday... and a few things in between all of that! Good night.

Rollercoaster.

Some pics from Bowden's start back on July 19th..





His latest start on Friday night 7/25 was great. I was chatting with a friend for the last few innings but MB's 7 innings got charted. 2 ER, 4 hits, NO WALKS, 5 K. Pitch counts per inning: 15, 8, 7, 15, 11, 13, 14. 83 thrown over 7 innings. VERY impressive.

The JUICE improved to 5-0 on the season as of yesterday morning. 5 wins was our goal for 2009 in total. we were so terrible last year, and the thing is, nothing has changed. we have three new people taking the places of 3 players from last year. that's it. new management. it's remarkable. we come out on top every game by 10+ runs. i did just fine... the field was larger than regulation size so one particular at-bat could have been more, as I made as solid contact as i've made all season and drove it on a line to the 2nd baseman. the infield was so much bigger to begin with. i got a hit, and i did well in left field, assisted in a double play even :) not commonly done from way out there.

Charlie Zink.. walked about a batter per inning on sunday, but in the end only gave up a few hits (didnt score it... he went 6 innings, and i think it was only 2 hits through 5 innings, with 2 more in the 6th). We won, he got the win, it was pretty nice. They were making contact off him but not productively. Made sure I was there early to see him warm up (arrived well before that though, in time to catch a few side sessions featuring Gonzalez, Bowden, and Johnson.. that was an unexpected surprise) and was just as fascinated watching him pitch up close as I had been a couple weeks earlier. What a sweet pitch, the knuckleball. I've mused with friends here and there over the idea of pitchers learning the knuckler, not as a primary pitch, but as something to pull out a few times each game, to really just mess around with batters. They wouldnt have to be really strong knuckleballers, they'd just have to be able to command it (as much as you can command it) one pitch at a time, a handful each game. I wonder why pitchers dont. Maybe it's just that tough to throw correctly.

...here it is, nearly 48 hours after i started this post. Finally, it's hot out, the sun is shining. While i was walking outside during lunch, I actually thought to myself...

*Wild Thing just came on. PAPELBON flashed into my mind*


...I actually thought to myself that I was glad I was working today and out of the sun. Sounds crazy? Ever since I read about Kelli Pedroia's story a year or so ago, I have had very little desire to sit out in the sun. Dont get me wrong... I love playing outside. I love walking around Boston in the sun. I love sitting out on the lawn before a Paw Sox game, I love going to the beach though I never do anymore. But as I get "older" (almost 24, wow dee dow) I think more and more about the long-term reality of the body i'm living in. I have one semi-significant sunspot on my back and I really dont care to acquire any more. I'm also terrible at taking the time to put on sunscreen, so if I'm in the sun for more than 30 minutes I am burnt. It's just not good for me. Thankfully I've found good ways to be out and enjoying the warmth... more often than not I'm under an overhang at Fenway or McCoy, and even if I'm not I'm generally at evening games. Working through the day helps too for the same reason- when I get out, I can play soccer or wiffleball as the sun is fading.
When I was learning about audio engineering in college it changed the way I treat my ears. When I hurt my back in high school pole vaulting, it changed things too (it's never been the same... regardless of phys training sessions, etc, I think my back is always going to be slightly damaged goods from here on out). I'm really hoping I can continue to be smart about the sun/my skin.

This is a crazy tangent I just went off on.

Another day is passing by, and we still have some of the guys I've been most fearful that we'll lose. Watched another Bowden interview... he's got great composure, very well spoken- granted, everyone asks him the same things so he should have his answers down pat!


..speaking of whom, Twitter just informed me that the Red Sox made an offer of Buchholz, Bowden, and Westmoreland for Halladay. my heart is racing. i am not happy, and i dont understand this trade. i dont know how much you know about Ryan Westmoreland but he is just as much of a prospective-powerhouse as Buckaroo and Bowden have been considered over the past year+. i havent felt this unhappy and suddenly preoccupied in ages.

i need to go work. i can bury myself in research/searches. i try to tell myself that there's no way the jays will take 1 unproven major leaguer and 2 guys who are not major league ready for the best of the best, but i have no idea what's going to happen.

A LaRoche..

Adam LaRoche will be donning a Red Sox jersey for the rest of the season. The big news today has been the Red Sox's acquisition of Pittsburgh's LaRoche in exchange for Portland SS Argenis Diaz and Greenville pitcher Hunter Strickland. Dont know Strickland... have met Argenis a few times though. I'm so happy that, out of all of this, I emerge feeling only the slightest twinge of sentimental sadness... the equivalent of a frown and an aww, hope Diaz does well with his new team.

What's going to happen if one of the guys I'm more attached to is the next to go? Do I leave work early to deal with my dismay? Do I sit at my desk and mope? I know my heart will be low. I've never had to go through this before, to the extent that I may experience it now. I didnt know much of anything about the farm system this time last year. Laying in bed last night, shortly after having eliminated not one but two beetles that had been flying around running into the ceiling/walls in the dark, I was giving consideration to the possibility that I may have to say goodbye to a player or two of whom I've grown quite fond over the past 6 months. I had the sudden explicit realization that this is happening now, by the end of the month, if it occurs.. and in that moment I braced myself for my own reaction to the idea, but was pleased when my heart didnt seize up with anxiety. I think I can handle it. Players are right to say that they cant worry about whether or not they'll be traded as they have no control over it. I should feel the same way, but when I'm in the moment watching "Adam LaRoche" become a trending topic on twitter, and when I know that in principle and practice I will part with a player before I part with the Red Sox, things get stressful. (I dont want to part with anyone involved!)

Petey's book signing is tomorrow at the Pru! Also excited for Fenway and the Cape League All Star game. But for now, lunch is over..

2 Months In.

I cant believe it's June. After yearning my way through the offseason, I feel like I've barely been to Fenway. I think I've seen 10 Sox games so far, so i'm more or less "on pace" to get to as many as I did last year- but it's all I want to do lately, which has become a problem while the team has been on the road for the past 2 weeks (nearly). It's surreal; I feel like I havent been to the park in ages. Meanwhile, I think I'm nearing the 20-game mark when it comes to the Paw Sox. I cant say for sure, but one of these days I'll get all of my ticket stubs together and see where I'm at. In all seriousness, going to Pawtucket has become what I imagine gum chewing is like for people who usually dip- a compulsive and necessary reaction to the absence of something I enjoy immensely. Thank goodness that when one team is on the road, the other is often at home; I rush home from work, hop in my car, sit in traffic and scream the day's angst away to the tune of Tessie or Spicy McHaggis or Blame It On The Rain, and make it to McCoy sometime within half an hour after the first pitch.

The Paw Sox are a tough team to watch, in my opinion, for a number of reasons ranging from the technical to the sentimental. For one, the pitching is pretty decent if you average it all out. We've got some stellar prospects, and some unremarkable guys too. But when it comes to the bats on this team, now there's the killer. It's really pathetic. Jeff Bailey, who was just this week dropped back down to make room for Mark Kotsay in the bigs, is hitting the ball around the .300 mark, but beyond that, you'll be hard-pressed to find someone on this team hitting over .265. When that's the best it gets, things are pretty bad. (Jeff Natale just came off the DL and i believe he is hitting over .300 for the moment... but he has been on and off the DL all season and his at bats count is incomparable with the guys who have been playing day to day.) I've seen Jonathan Van Every, who had a stellar stint with Boston to start the season, make more errors in center field and hit so poorly... I've seen daily starter Chip Ambres (the leader in BA, after Bailey and Natale who again have had incomplete seasons with Pawtucket to date) strike out 3 (i fear it may have even been 4) times in one somewhat recent extra-innings game... I've watched poor Gil Velazquez make error after error at SS, which still qualifies him to be making spot starts for Boston at this point (I recently read a column that stated something along the lines of "Julio Lugo is still up to his normal shenanigans at short stop".. well put, because at this point humor is all we've got). For these technical reasons and more, it's tough to sit and watch most other teams we face come up looking much sharper than we do. At this point, I have also developed favorites (though i generally like all of them, want to see them succeed), and so not only is it wince-worthy to see them working out the kinks night to night, but it's bittersweet to realize I cant keep them. I'm spoiled with the Red Sox... we've locked down some great players, and so the team of '08 (my rookie year with the Sox) is closely resembled in the team of '09, and will be for some time still. (PLEASE DO NOT BLOW IT WITH JASON BAY.) I have fierce love for a lot of our players, because they are gritty and tough and they're fighters, and they are heart and soul for Boston. The Paw Sox, though... I look out at the field, and I dont see many guys I can let myself get attached to in any longer-term sense. There's no room for infielders coming up, and as it stands now the outfield is pretty set too- the funny thing is, the organization's highest-touted up and coming outfielder isnt even at the AAA level yet. 

I'm at the point of free-flowing thought here, so why not jump into my anxiety over our pitching scene. I'll start by exclaiming YES! We have so many strong pitching options, that even when our rocks are struggling, we can patch it together and are none the worse for wear. I was injured by our rotation early on this season- I had so many high hopes, as did we all. Starting pitching was the least of Boston's concerns coming out of Spring Training. There's no need for me to recount what happened with Beckett, Lester, Dice-K, and Penny for the first 1.5 months. My trust was in Jon Lester, and I figured the others would follow suit; but I learned quickly that this was not to be the case. After a few sorely disappointing starts, I didnt even want to think about the starter of the night unless it was Wake; and the high I had ridden for the last half of the 2008 season with Petey and Lester dominating every chance they had simply did not pick up where it left off (Petey had a slow start too this season but I figured it couldnt last long). Fast-forward to just recently- Beckett had been showing signs of life over his last few starts, but my sigh of relief and my confidence in our rotation came back when Jon Lester became Jon Lester again, just this past week. If he can get another good one in there the next time he takes the mound, all will be right with the world.

So we've got a rotation that looks astounding on paper, and that is coming back around in reality (and that ultimately hasnt hurt us too badly even while struggling, if the standings are any indication). Look on any Boston MLB blog and you'll see at least one note about how, just below the 5 starters, we've got a bottleneck situation with John Smoltz, Justin Masterson, Clay Buchholz, and Michael Bowden. Fantastic- we've got options. But not so fantastic- the possibility that we might cut away some of the excess here by making a trade for, say, a SS or a DH (both sorely needed). If not for my own tendency towards sentimentality (including my desire to see young minor leaguers succeed) I would be just as excited as the next Boston sports analyst (read: any Boston fan, because as Boston fans we give our opinions as fact)... seems only natural to look at our depth and think of how we can best use it to our team's advantage. If we have TOO many pitchers (come on, any baseball enthusiast knows there is no such thing) and the market is in desperate demand for pitching, we can get whatever we need at a "lesser cost" to the organization. We have what we need as far as pitching goes, after all, so we have room to play around.

...Please, no. I'm desperate here in my hope that this is not the higher-ups' POV.

I'm thankful that I havent come face to face with Theo for a few months now. As it is, I all but forced Jed Hoyer to publicly pledge his commitment and devotion to Michael Bowden back in April. If I spot Theo around town, I fear that I will be in very real danger of throwing myself at his feet and begging, pleading for him to hang on to Michael Bowden and Daniel Bard. Clay Buchholz is still such a question mark in my mind, though I feel that he has the potential to become an excellent major league starter near or at the top of the rotation (depending on who's rotation he's in). So far this year, he has been looking like a big leaguer through the majority of his starts, so no complaints regarding Buchholz's AAA performance. Anyhow, that's a bit beside the point-  what I'm saying here is that I like these fellows. I like them very much, Bard and Bowden in particular. They're two who I want to add to the list of players I can allow myself to consider comfortable, dependable, home-grown Boston warriors, who grow to love the team and the city as our other guys who are here to stay do.. and as I do, too. I want Boston to be their home, and for them to become part of my home. I believe in the good things that they have to offer, if only they stick around long enough to get their respective chances.

I wont delete the last paragraph+, but it's not a very productive part of this entry. My bias, I will admit, is toward the young ones in general. I'm fascinated by them. The ones my age or younger in particular, well, they astound me.

No more trade rumors. They have been making me neurotic. Buchholz and Bowden are always on the chopping block, with fainter hints that the names Masterson, Bard, and Penny are frequently being mentioned in negotiations as well (though the latter doesnt seem to fit in this grouping of sought-after prospects... but there are so many rumors that Penny's gonna be a-movin on before long).

I'm so relieved that the Sox are back in town. I have missed them more than I had realized up until the past few days. Tonight I bought tickets for 6/11 vs the yankees... and i'll have to make it to a game this weekend vs texas so i can see Elvis Andrus. another exciting one.

Losing steam... time to wrap it up and head to bed. It's been a long week of Paw Sox games, and I'm ready to find myself back at Fenway in a couple days.

Adieu.